Hi all! Long time no write. Hopefully this indicates a return to regular correspondence with you, my amazingly loyal readers. (Seriously, it’s been more than a year thanks to life being so full of things that have kept me from you. You guys are awesome.)
Today I want to unpack the phrase “daddy issues.” It’s been said so frequently that it has practically become a joke. But on whom is the joke? The way I most often hear it come across is as an indictment against the woman with the issues, as if she went around hunting under rocks and trees to acquire these issues and chose to randomly place blame on her father. We smart people know this is not true. “Daddy Issues” has become so widespread and common, it almost has completed a turn around and begun to blame the victim, the one with the issues. But think about it. No one ever looks at a man who is too shy to speak to women in general because his mother beat him and made him believe that all women are awful and says, “Oh, he’s got Mommy Issues,” as if the issues he does have are his fault. But what does it really mean?
Do you think you’re a good man? Do you think you were raised by a good man and thus know how to spot another good one in the wilds of society? Are there specific characteristics that “good” men have? Are they respectful? Dignified? Considerate? Thoughtful? Wise? Next question: do you think these traits raise the bar too high? Is it impossible for most, if not all, men to embody these things? If I were a man, I’d be insulted to think that people expected me to fail as a human being. To me, these are traits all of humanity should try to be everyday. I don’t think it’s too much to ask anyone to treat me with respect, read: like a human. And I’m offended on behalf of all men who are expected out of the gate to be bad parents of girls.
Because that’s what “daddy issues” really means. It means that so many men, across all class levels of society, fail so hard at raising their daughters that they aren’t able to have healthy relationships as adults. But instead, it has come to mean a way of encouraging women to seek approval from men by “putting out” or “being slutty.” This is a tragedy. No one should be shamed for having mental and emotional issues because they were treated badly by their parents. It’s not as if anyone lines up at The Parent Store before they were born and said, “Oh, they look like spectacular assholes. I’m going to get really messed up living with them and it will ruin my life.” Nobody picks their parents, no one asks to be born, so why would we ever treat a person like having “daddy issues” is their own fault? It makes no sense.
This is why men should be outraged to hear a woman has “daddy issues.” Because it means that a member of their gender failed at being a parent so badly that it caused permanent and deep emotional problems. Girls need men to show them what it means to be a “good” man, to see men who treat others with respect and dignity, and to teach them to expect to be treated with respect and dignity, which are the rights of all humans. Boys need the same from their fathers. They need role models to show them how to be “good” men, and how to nurture wisdom and dignity within themselves. Men who believe that the bar should stay low to excuse their own bad behavior are the same men who turn “daddy issues” into a joke. These are the men who need correction. These are the men who need other men of higher caliber to show them a better way. This is how men can become allies to women. Remember, a rising tide lifts all boats.
Thalia Huntley 